


i will fear the night again

by Princex_N



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Anxiety, But mostly fluff, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Guilt, Literal Sleeping Together, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Past Violence, Pillow & Blanket Forts, Platonic Cuddling, Safe Haven
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-27 20:28:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6299191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princex_N/pseuds/Princex_N
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fort is the one place that Noah feels truly safe. </p><p>It is enclosed and separate from the rest of the world, soft and comfortable, bathed in gentle warm light, and Noah never feels like he's disappearing while he's inside it. No one ever asks, but they all respect the space, no one ever touches the fort, or tries to come inside of it, unless Noah invites them to come in. </p><p>Usually, he only invites them in when he can tell that they need it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i will fear the night again

**Author's Note:**

> title is from twenty one pilot's [truce](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCeBNwBUkcI)  
> there's a lot of build up before we get to the fluff, I got a bit carried away, and loved it too much to trim it down. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
> also i'm a big fan of the concept that Noah is able to sense other people's thoughts/feelings now that he's a ghost.

Noah doesn't sleep. 

Most of the time, he doesn't actually mind all that much. Sometimes, he misses it. He misses being able to not have to think for a while. 

Because being dead for seven years gives you a lot of things to think about. 

Mostly, Noah thinks about dying. 

The others tell him that he reenacts his death. Noah never remembers doing it, but at the same time, he doesn't doubt it. 

It hurt when it happened, but it doesn't hurt anymore. He can't really feel much anymore, he can feel it when he touches other things, or when people touch him, but he can press his fingers into the caved in part of his cheek and the back of his head, and not feel a thing. 

One feeling that never goes away is the feeling of Whelk behind him. 

Noah finds himself glancing over his shoulder more times than he cares to count. The feeling that he gets when he finds no one there is a mixture of relief and disappointment. 

Noah doesn't talk to anyone about Whelk. The others most likely assume that it's because Whelk killed him, and Noah is happy to let them believe that. 

He doesn't want them to find out that Noah misses him. 

It's been seven years since Whelk killed Noah with his own skateboard, and Noah still can't shake this persistent feeling of  _guilt_ about the incident. 

Sometimes he wants to talk to someone about it. Wants to ask what he did wrong. Because surely he _must_ have been doing something wrong, for Whelk to have done that to him. Because it had been going well. They had been _happy_ together. Hadn't they been? 

But Noah knows that if he tells any of the others about his and Whelk's relationship, then they'll only get upset. It will be upset on his behalf, but Noah doesn't like his friends to be upset for any reason at all. And he knows that they'll only get more upset if they find out that Noah can't make himself blame Whelk or even be upset with him. 

Noah doesn't sleep, but for some reason he still has a room. 

He'd felt bad about it, in the beginning, that he had a room and Gansey didn't. He tried to convince Gansey to switch with him, "the dead don't need sleep _or_ their own rooms", he'd tried to explain, but Gansey had laughed it off like he did every other statement Noah made about his current state of death, and refused to switch. Even after everyone found out that he hadn't been joking, and that he was honestly dead, Noah tried and failed to get Gansey to switch with him. 

So he accepted that that's just something Gansey needs, and Noah gets used to having the room. 

He can never get used to the bed in there though. 

It isn't as if he needs it. And he doesn't like laying down on it, it makes him feel frustrated, as if he could sleep if he could just  _try_ hard enough, even though he knows that he can't. Sometimes, when he lies down on it, he can feel whispers of past touches and the presence of someone standing over him, watching him, skateboard in hand. 

But standing around the room or sitting in the desk chair isn't much better, so Noah does the only thing he can think to do. 

He builds a blanket fort in the corner. 

It takes a while to build it up to something satisfactory. It starts out as just the sheets, comforter, and pillows off the bed, sort of thrown in the corner like a bird's nest. 

Then Ronan barges in one morning and finds Noah curled up in it, staring at the ceiling, and comes in two days later with more blankets and pillows than Noah knows what to do with. He helps Noah build it up, silently nailing the corners of blankets into the wall so that they'll stay up without ever asking why Noah prefers this to the bed, and Noah is more grateful than he's able to properly express. 

When Gansey finds out, he gives Noah several small boxes of fairy lights, and hesitantly helps Noah string them up inside the fort. 

The fort is the one place that Noah feels truly safe. 

It is enclosed and separate from the rest of the world, soft and comfortable, bathed in gentle warm light, and Noah never feels like he's disappearing while he's inside it. He feels a bit like he's hiding, and nothing can ever find him. No one, not even Whelk. No one ever asks, but they all respect the space, as if they can sense what it does, no one ever touches the fort, or tries to come inside of it, unless Noah invites them to come in. 

Usually, he only invites them in when he can tell that they need it. 

Being dead means that you're not worth much anymore, so Noah is glad that at least he's able to offer something like this. 

Most of the time, they'll come to him. But sometimes, part of the problem is trying to convince them to go. 

Some times like right now. 

Gansey had invited everyone over for a movie night. It had started out well, but Noah can't even remember what their current movie is about, because he's been too busy watching Adam to pay attention to the plot. 

Noah can't recall anything happening, maybe something did, maybe nothing did, but what Noah does know is that Adam has been staring off into space, looking as vacant and fuzzy as his thoughts feel, for the past half hour and Noah is Officially Concerned. 

Particularly because he can feel a vague sort of panic rolling off Adam in waves as his breath starts to come faster. 

Noah wants to help, but the problem is that his fort is all the way in his room, and Adam resents accepting help. Noah can kind of understand why, he might not  _get it_ , but he gets it, and he tries not to push. The last thing that Noah wants to do is upset him, and accidentally make everything worse. 

Even if Adam wasn't so fixated on the concept of doing everything himself and taking care of himself, Adam hates attention, and Noah has never been good with things like subtlety. He's been trying to figure out how to do this the right way for the past twenty-five minutes. 

Eventually, Noah just gives up, and decides to just do it. 

"Hey Adam, do you mind come helping me with something in my room?" Noah asks, knowing that he probably sounds like he's trying too hard to be casual. 

Adam twitches, a little violently, and Gansey echoes the movement a moment later, glancing around wildly and trying to look like he hadn't been falling asleep on the couch. 

"What?" Gansey asks, confusion and exhaustion thick in his voice. 

"Nothing! I was just asking Adam if he wouldn't mind helping me out with something in my room?" 

Adam blinks, "Sure?" he says finally, but he doesn't make any attempt to move until Noah stands and tugs him up and practically drags the other boy into his room. Gansey watches the two of them leave, rubbing his face sleepily, but he doesn't say a word. 

Noah closes the door behind them, and Adam's face has finally lost some of its blank emptiness to confusion. "Noa- wha-?" He breaks off, eyebrows furrowing slowly as he tries to think and find words and string them together coherently, "What are you doing?" 

"Nothing." Noah replies easily, "Come on, we're going to go to the blanket fort." 

Adam follows easily enough, when Noah leads him to the corner, but he balks at the entrance to the fort.

"No. I'm fine... I don't need..." he protests vaguely, breaking off weakly, sounding confused. Noah tugs gently on his hand. 

"It's okay." he says, "Come inside." 

Adam hesitates, but gives in, falling heavily to his knees and crawling in, allowing Noah to reach over him in order to draw the blankets at the entrance closed. The lights in the room are off, and the inside of the fort is bathed in warm yellow light coming from the numerous tiny strings of fairy lights. Noah settles with his back in the corner easily, and watches Adam relax in tiny increments, getting used to the enclosed space, his limbs loose and his eyes distant. 

Noah wants to ask what happened, but at the same time, he doesn't want to disturb this heavy calm that's settled over Adam. So he doesn't, he just sits and wraps himself in the blankets that line the floor as Adam leans against the wall and smooths his hands over a particularly soft blanket, his eyes half shut. 

Adam is the one to break the silence. 

"He looked like my dad, for a moment." He says, words quiet and buttery soft, slurring together in a mess of sleepy syllables. 

"The guy in the movie?" Noah asks to clarify, and Adam jerks his head in a clumsy nod. "You know he can't hurt you anymore, right?"

"Yeah, I know." Adam pauses and lets out a soft sigh, "but it was easy to dissociate, and I like it, so I did. I didn't think it would bother you though."

"It doesn't bother me." Noah replies, "If you want to, then stay like that. I just thought that maybe you would feel better if you were away, and it's soft in here, so I thought you would like it."

Adam looks at him with a vague sort of awe in his expression, like he can't believe that Noah would say that it was okay to do what feels comfortable. Noah offers him a small half-smile, and doesn't say anything. Noah would do anything to help them feel better, he's never been bothered by a single thing he's done to help. Not following Ronan to make sure he's okay when he leaves in a fit of rage and fear in the middle of the night, not staying up with Gansey when the other boy is too scared or wired to sleep to reassure him that there are no wasps in the room or on his skin, and not spending nights in Adam's old house, watching to make sure that he is safe. 

Adam doesn't know about those visits, and Noah personally hopes that he never finds out. Noah had never been a witness to the abuse, partially because he didn't want to see it, and partially because he knew that Adam would never want him to see it. Sometimes, the guilt of this haunts Noah for hours. He could have, _should have_ , done something earlier.

Noah is startled out of his thoughts when Adam's hand finds his. 

"You're cold." Adam slurs, but he sounds more solid than he did earlier. "Come here." 

And Noah doesn't know what Adam is thinking, but he obliges, shuffling forwards on his knees until he's closer, and then Adam slings an arm over his shoulder and pulls him close, until Noah's face is pressed against Adam's chest and Adam's arms are wrapped around Noah's shoulders. Noah blinks, a bit startled, but relaxes into the hold, because Adam is bigger and warmer than he is, and it's comfortable. A few moments pass before Adam lets them slide down the wall, until Adam is laying on his back in the nest of blankets with Noah laying on top of him, and Noah reaches around clumsily to find a blanket to pull over their bodies. Adam nuzzles his face into Noah's hair, and Noah bites his lip to keep from laughing and accidentally chasing Adam away. 

"You smell nice." Adam informs him, "Like dirt." Noah feels something in his chest twist, not badly and not quite uncomfortably, but he doesn't mind it too much, definitely not enough to express this to Adam. He'll figure it out later. "You were right." Adam continues, shifting to stare up at the lights and the blanket ceiling, "It's nice in here." 

"I'm always right." Noah snarks, and Adam laughs, the sound bright and stunning in the soft quietnes 

It falls back to near silence, the only sound is of Adam's breathing and heartbeat under Noah's cheek, until Adam speaks again. 

"Thank you." 

Noah settles in closer, shaking his head the best he can without moving, "It's no problem." 

Adam's arms squeeze around him once, and then fall limp once more. Noah can't tell if he's sleeping or just dissociating, but he doesn't check and he doesn't care. He is comfortable, and he feels warm and solid and safe in Adam's arms. Whelk is not a pretense that lurks on the other side of the blankets tonight. 

Noah lets his eyes slip shut, and as he curls closer to Adam, he feels as close to sleep as he can get. 

**Author's Note:**

> [my tumblr](http://www.princex-n.tumblr.com)


End file.
